Oan Yir Bike Boris and Self-Islatin

Both jocks and jockophiles alike have asked if there are any more Glaswegian Covid “poetry”.  I am glad to say that there is.  Please enjoy the following two offerings:

1.      Self-Islatin : Twenti Rulz Firyuzawe Tae Follow (nae cepshunz!) : a concise Guide to Lockdown in Glasgow

2.      Oan Yir Bike, Boris : Feeling poorly, Boris turns up at A & E in Glasgow at the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital

Please note that there are no rhyming schemes or English translation with either poem – so good luck.

OAN YIR BIKE BORIS

(Picture the Scheme : A Male Glaswegian Pensioner in A & E 1st April 2020)

Cuezmipal!
Wherurryi gauin eh?!
Thurz uh cue, birawai
He needz testin, she needz testin
Wiawe need testin
Whitmakz you saispeshill
Prime Minstir urryae?
Prime Minstir, maarse!
Ahvotit fir Wee Nikla masell
Huvyi got ra Vid?
Ra Covid?
Ra Covid-19
Servzyirite
Johnsin yaprick
Itznae ure NHS
Itz oor NHS
Itz rapeapelles NHS
Givin na heave-ho Boris
Huvyi?
Ooto Ten aninti Illivin!?
Yirbidie-in-Kickd yioot pal?
Yuff mair weans thin Jock Tamsin.
Ananurrirwan onrawai!
That bastrd Cumminz
Whitatossir!
Umtellinyi!
Itzawe hiz doin
Git yirsell a haircut willyi
Yirlike ra fifth beatill
Howcum yirpinchin awe Labirz polseaz?
Corbin-anurrir tossir, birawai
Hiz teazoot intitno?
Goat enni spare haunwipz?
Swaapyi firrarollo Andrix doubl pli
Howz ra Queen bindoin?
Sheez hudd an anus horribliz soshihauz

Nowratamembir
Hir wee sistir wiza stoatir!
But pure mentill
Ah blame ra faithir
Rat Chewkah Embra
Nivir likd Embra masell
Wall-tae-wall Torri tosspotz
Yir tookin jaydid pal
Peeli wallie evin
Yidbettir seera doc
Pronto.

SELF-ISLATIN : TWENTI RULZ FIRYUZAWE TAE FOLLOW

(NAE CEPSHUNZ!)

  1. Nae mixin wirra nayburrz
  2. Nae vistorz, cepfir yircarurrz
  3. Nae sneakin doonra boozir (itzshut, birawai)
  4. If yir tested postiff, nae cavortin wi oani oroze nurziz
  5. Nae snoggin urrpettin, evin wirra missiz (orir sista)
  6. Definitli naeshaggin
  7. Naemair swearin at Trump oanra newz (birawai, hizmaw wiz the full teuchtir)
  8. Nae thinkin Lockdown izmairwursir thin what Stalingrad wuzz
  9. Urr Leningrad wuzz, firrat mattir
  10. Dinni max yircardz oan Aldiz fortifyd winez
  11. Naebookin asneaki wee holday fir twinti-twinti-wan, urr earliurr
  12. Pit yir affairz in ordir
  13. Aun whileyiratit pityir finanshall affairz in ordir (ovir sevintaz onli!)
  14. Learn yirsell rawurdz uva non-sictaryin song
  15. Dirive Fermatz last theorm (onli jokin!)
  16. Eat sum vegtibillz evri nooaunwren
  17. Text rat Rushin burd yimet oan Tindir
  18. Waash yir hawnz propurrli
  19. Xirsize, urr think aboot xirsizin
  20. Rite yir memwaarz