On 1^st June, and as an ugly mob of protestors approached the White House, President Trump and a small group of his most trusted advisers were huddled together in the White House basement.

With time running out, they had to decide how best to tackle the threat from the army of demonstrators.  Would they be able to devise and implement a plan to thwart the baying mob?  Or would democracy, and all that the civilised world holds dear, fall before the massed forces of darkness and disorder.

Remarkably, this short video clip documents exactly what happened on that fateful night.

For your entertainment I humbly submit a Covid poem written in broad Glaswegian, about a broad Glaswegian.

As devotees of this distinctive dialect are few and far between,  I’ve also added a few explanatory notes and, more importantly, a translation into English.

COVID-19 : ODE TO A VIRUS
THE BAW’S ON THE SLATES
Background and Introduction

These humble verses were inspired by the ghosts of three Scottish poets: Robert Burns, William “Topaz” McGonnigal and the recently lamented Tom Leonard. These three poets, plus an anonymous internet post, guided the trembling hand of Dr Cameron as he penned his emotional ballad describing ordinary Glasgow folk as they continue to defy the impact of COVID-19 on their day-
to-day lives. It is a story of bravery in the face of adversity and of remarkable stoicism combined with a liberal dose of Glasgow’s gallow’s humour.

Many people will be familiar with Burns and perhaps even McGonnigal (think the world’s worst ever Victorian poet and his “epic” poem the Tay Bridge Disaster), but few will have read any of Professor Leonard’s work. So for those that are interested in further self-improvement in these testing times, here is a link to Tom’s Wiki entry: Link

In the main, my poem follows Tom’s distinctive Glaswegian voice. Words become wurdz as vowels and word endings are swallowed to phonetically reflect the distinctive Glaswegian patois, and particularly its preponderance of glottal stops. And as if that was not enough, this accent’s cadence and rhythm demands that technically separate words are often rolled into one. For those that find West Central Scotland dialect impenetrable, a translation into English has been provided. All things considered, it may be best if everyone reads the English version first!

By way of background, in Glaswegian parlance the Baw’s on the Slates is an aphorism. It means that the game’s over, as the football ball is stuck on the roof (the slates).

THE BAW’S ON THE SLATES

In Januri we didni ken
Yir name or much abootyi
But much has changed since then
So we realli must salutyi

Yir spreadin oot is quite intense
Yir feedin like a gannet
The chaos caused is so immense
Yir shakin oor wee planet

Corona usetae be a beer
Itwiz awewiz served wi limes
Butnooitz filled uzawewi fear
These dayz are scary times

Nae shakin haunz or peckin lips
Iz whit radocs adviz
But scrubem weel right tae the tips
Thatz how weelawe suvive

Jist keep inside yir ain wee hoose
Nae sneakin out firstrollz
Get used tae bein a real recluse
An follow ra controlz

Nae tempted scapin till rairz a drug
Or perhaps a majik cream
Anawe cauz aoriz wan wee bug
Itz enough tae make yi scream

Evin wir holdayz urrawe pitaff
If you cut thru awrair pattir
So pitoan yir thermals hiv a laugh
An heid aff doonra waatir

Bouts oboredom will soon appear
Say start to read or doodle
Plan yir menu fir New Year
Irn Bru wi fried pot noodle

Then itzafftae ra toonz foodbankz
Coz a change would be so nice
Therz beanz and pasta in serried rankz
And twenty tunnz orice

But dinnae think that yill wipeuzoot
Jistcoz wir peely-wally
Yir nae wurz than the athletes foot
So bring on your finale

Yi think yir oan a grand crusade
As yi jump frae cup-tae-cup
But when wi get oor vaxeen made
Yir nineteen number’s up

THE BAW’S ON THE SLATES :
THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION
YOUR NUMBER’S UP

In January we didn’t “ken”
Your name or much about you
But much has changed since then
So we really must salute you

Your spreading out is quite intense
You’re feeding like a gannet
The chaos caused is so immense
You’re shakin’ our wee planet

Corona used to be a beer
It was always served with limes
But now it’s filled us all with fear
These days are scary times

No shaking hands or pecking lips
Is what the docs advise
But scrub them well right to the tips
That’s how we’ll all survive

Just stay inside your own jailhouse
No breaking out for strolls
Get used to being a grumpy spouse
But follow the controls

There’s no way out till there’s a drug
Or perhaps a magic cream
And all because of this one small bug
It’s enough to make you scream

Even our holidays are all put off
If you cut thru all their snide
So don your thermals and head off
For a wander down the Clyde

Bouts of boredom will soon appear
So start to read or doodle
Plan your menu for New Year
Irn Bru with fried pot noodle

Now off to the town’s two foodbanks
As a change would be quite nice
There’s beans and pasta in serried ranks
And twenty tons of rice

But don’t think that you’ll wipe us out
Just ‘cause we can’t be pally
You’re no worse than that athletes foot
So bring on your finale

You think that your on a grand crusade
As you jump from cup-to-cup
But when we get our vaccine made
Your nineteen number’s up

A furtively filmed video of a recent Council of Ministers meeting in Jersey has been leaked, and a copy has found its way to Kartoon Faktory’s headquarters in Grouville.

It makes for a sobering, if brief (4 min), watch. 

A few Explanatory Notes for our Overseas Viewers:
(i) During WWII, Nazi Germany occupied the Channel Islands for almost 5 years.
(ii) Jersey has its own Government [“the States”] & the head of the Government is the Chief Minister.
(iii) Jersey’s politicians have been talking about building a new hospital since Noah was a lad, but have achieved little.
(iv) The 75th Anniversary of the Island’s Liberation was celebrated on Friday 8th May. Jersey was formally liberated on the 9th, a day after VE Day.

Something special for the weekend. Please click on the link below to listen to The Missing Links, Kartoon Faktory’s “rock-bank in residence”, perform a moving tribute to Dominic Cummings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-A0QK5Hrk8

By way of background, the band members now live in Jersey.  However, they both hail from Glasgow & were once known as the Simon & Garfunkel of Drumchapel, one of the City’s many leafy suburbs.  Billy Connolly, another of the Drum’s famous residents, once described “the scheme” as a desert with windows.  Harsh but fair.

For overseas readers or those that may have taken self-isolation a little too far, Dominic Cummings is PM Boris Johnson’s Senior Adviser and the architect of the UK’s lacklustre response to Covid.  The Government’s Lockdown strategy rightly emphasised the importance of staying at home.  Despite this, Cummings ignored his own policies and drove some 260 miles north to his parents’ hacienda in the county of Durham.  All the while he gave the impression that he and his family were still in London.  Before driving back to London and again, very much against the guidelines, he went for walks in the local woods and also drove to a local beauty spot on his wife’s birthday to “test his eyesight”.

The lyrics along with a short note about the tune’s pedigree are included below.  Can I suggest that every Thursday at 8pm you take your mobile gramophone outside, press “play” and sing along with your neighbours.  This will show Dominic how deeply we care about him.

Enjoy!

A wee collection of our Covid related toons

By way of introduction and now that Summer is here, please take a look at a recent cartoon celebrating both the arrival of Summer and the continued inspirational leadership of the 45th President of the United States of America.

Here at the Kartoon Faktory, we are usually busy observing. There is so much in the world that warrants thought, consideration, question, even ridicule, and sometimes glorious recognition. We find it keeps our hands full. They say idle hands are the devils workshop, well this certainly keeps ours busy, and we’d like to think, out of the workshop..

We have just a few of our cartoons available right now, but a tremendous amount of new work is to be added over the coming weeks, so check whats new from time to time. Or keep an eye via the ubiquitous Facebook. I learned that word when I first visited Glasgow, and after a night out found myself in a chip shop called “The Ubiquitous Chip”. Only in Scotland…

Anyway, live, love, and enjoy the Kartoons